Self Compassion

Self Compassion
Moving from ‘Where did I go wrong?’ to ‘Where did I go right?’

We know from the work of psychologists such as Freud and his successors that we seem to be almost programmed to take a critical view of ourselves. I think we all experience this and we so easily fall into mulling over what’s gone wrong with us and for us.  And mulling over what’s gone wrong is something we try to do as little as possible of in mindfulness practice. That’s because it can bring with it quite a lot of emotional pain, often unhelpful pain.

We tend to spend a lot of time asking, in that old phrase, ‘Where did I go wrong?’ But sometimes it is worth balancing this by asking ‘Where did I go right?’ because for many of us what we did right easily falls into the shadows and gets lost in our self-criticism.

Where did they go right?

Remembering where you went right can give you a welcome a break from endless fault finding. It can also help to ask ‘Where did they go right?’ about people who are important to us. We seem to live in an era of grumbling and fault-finding – at least that’s the impression I get from social media. But other people do things right also and maybe acknowledging this can help to lighten our emotional experience.

Build a habit

Give it a try, maybe next time you’re having a tea or coffee: ask ‘Where did I go right?’ and ‘Where did they go right?’ If you do this a few times when having a break, it could become a very positive habit. You could look on it as a very pleasant mindfulness exercise …

What I’ve suggested here is taken from my online self -compassion course (pay by donation)  ‘True Friend – be a friend to the person you really are.’

Image by Ankush Minda

09/05/2023

Self Compassion
Give compassion to your future self

Will your future self be a success or failure, healthy or sick, happy or sad? We spend a lot of our time thinking, worrying and speculating about the future but I find that one way to cut through that preoccupation is to wish my future self well whatever happens.

After all, as I point out in my book Kindfulness, you don’t have total control over how your future will work out. Life is full of random events that can get in the way, whether the future we worry about is later today, next year or ten years from now. We don’t know what’s going to happen with our health, the economy, the political situation to name a few.

What I can do, though, is to wish my future self well in whatever circumstances I find myself, in other words wish myself well unconditionally. I think this practice can give us a certain assurance, as the future turns into the present, that we will be our own friends whether things turn out well or badly.

Try this

One way to do this is to generate a feeling of goodwill towards a friend or someone you love, perhaps wishing them well with words like ‘Be happy, be safe, be well.’ Then let that image fade and bring that feeling of goodwill to your future self, again using words like ‘Be happy, be safe, be well.’

Allow yourself to continue to experience that feeling of goodwill and well wishing for a few moments before bringing the practice to a close.

Health benefits

In removing or lowering the fear of how you might be in the future you reduce stress and lower stress is good for your health. You are also, in my view, more likely to engage in behaviours, such as exercise and healthy eating, that increase the chances of a better future. That’s because the less painful the future is in your eyes the easier it is to accept the value of doing what you can – within reason – now to take care of that future.

By the way, the future in question doesn’t have to be years away. It can be tomorrow, next week, next month: it’s all the future. Self-compassion for that future is a gift you can give yourself right now.

Make self compassion part of your life with my online course True Friend. Pay by donation. Learn More

See also: Wishing well to your past, present and future selves

 

02/11/2022

Ruminating walking on beach
Self Compassion
Unresolvable issues from the past

Most of us have unresolved issues from the past – hurts, injustices, losses, things we did that we wish we hadn’t done, things we didn’t do that we wish we had done and so on. If we get locked into thinking over and over about these various issues, into ruminating about them in other words, this can rob us of our experience of the present and of our involvement with life as it is now. it can repeat a lot of past pain without really getting as anywhere.

It’s important to remind ourselves to come into awareness of the present moment when we find ourselves lost in these ruminations. That can be done by returning to awareness of the breath or of whatever is going on around us.

Physical awareness

Another way to approach it is to become aware of the physical feelings that a past issue brings up. Our emotions have a physical side to them and sometimes the physical side is the strongest part of them.

Only do this if it is something that does not cause you distress. I find it quite helpful myself. Just notice that physical feeling quietly and in a welcoming way, observing it without talking to yourself about it. Perhaps notice where the feeling is in your body how intense it is on a scale of 1 to 5, does it have a shape and does the shape change? Just do it for a few minutes.

Sometimes when you do this you find that the feeling eventually relaxes and if not you can go about your day and you may find some time later that you are feeling better and lighter.

It is well worth finding a way to deal with these unresolvable issues because otherwise you can find yourself imprisoned in the past and missing out on what the present has to offer.

My online course True Friend can help you come to terms with these issues – pay by donation. Learn more

See also: Mindfulness can help with issues you can’t fix also.

Image by Patryk Sobczak

 

28/04/2022