Accept how things are to change how things are

Acceptance can sometimes feel like it’s a rather passive approach to take to things. But in fact sometimes acceptance is the first step towards fighting for change.

For example, if you accept that you have, say an addiction, that act of acceptance is the first step towards fighting that addiction and doing something about it.

Health condition or relationship

Or if you accept that you have a health condition that you really didn’t want to accept, but now you accept it, you are far more likely than to do what’s necessary. You are more likely to work towards a cure or to manage the condition in ways that allow you the maximum choices in your life with that condition.

This is probably more important than ever now in the era of Long Covid but of course people have always been having to accept and deal with adverse health issues.

You could say the same about a relationship you’re in that’s causing you distress or about a situation at work that’s getting you down. Acceptance can be the first step towards searching for a solution.

Denial – never a good idea

Denial is never a good idea when it comes to important matters that we would be better off dealing with. Denial of a health condition, for instance, just postpones the day when you can do something about it.

So acceptance, however reluctant you may be about it, can be very empowering and that’s one of the most important of life lessons.

This Daily Bell might also help:

You don’t get to build without clearing away rubble. Sometimes, to build your future you need to clear away emotional rubble. What do you need to accept or forgive? Maybe not everything can be accepted or forgiven but a lot can. That clearing away allows you to live more in present moments than in your head.

Acceptance is a key aspect of mindfulness (sometimes think it’s the most important part of it) and you can learn more about all aspects of mindfulness in my 15 lesson online course Easy Mindfulness (pay by donation, so it’s affordable to all). Find out more here.

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Mindfulness is made up of awareness of the present moment and acceptance.

Acceptance means many things but we can see it as

• not struggling against experiences that you can’t win against
• or that are not worth the effort.

Something that is over and done with it is an example of an experience you can’t win against. We fail to accept such experiences by going over and over them in our minds.  This can bring us a great deal of emotional pain sometimes for many years.  When you accept the experience it doesn’t mean you approve of  it. It means you let it be, that you are no longer fighting a battle that is over and done with.

Something that is not worth the effort might be red traffic lights on the way to work, a late delivery of an item that isn’t really all that important or your teenager’s untidy bedroom.

Acceptance not only saves us a lot of emotional energy but is sometimes necessary for the sake of our relationships. People in long-term relationships have various differences that are not going to change and the capacity to accept these differences could spell the difference between a long and satisfying relationship or a short one. (Some differences, of course, are ‘deal breakers’ and long term relationships cannot survive them in any satisfactory way-  for example domestic violence.)

If we accept that we have an addiction then we are more likely to do something about it. Very often the road to recovery begins with acceptance.

Acceptance is not about surrendering to what you should not surrender to and it is also not about putting up “walk all over me sign”. It is about a more skilful way of living your life, of saving your energy for what you can actually influence and of letting those things be that it is better to let be.

My online course Easy Mindfulness will teach you more about acceptance and about all aspects of mindfulness.

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8 Comments

 Michael Grehan 29/8/2016 09:27:19 pm

What a brilliant 3 minutes on ACCEPTANCE. As it happens, I’m struggling with accepting an inevitable episode in my life as a senior citizen.
Many thanks Padraig.

PS I’ll be keeping an eye out for any more videos on acceptance.

ReplyMary Maume 17/10/2016 10:48:54 am

I must say Padraig that the few minutes helped me to put aside worries that I cannot do anything about and allowed me to be still and be present to all the wonderful things that I can enjoy in my surroundings.
Accepting things that we cannot change gives us serenity of being able to tolerate the pain or misfortune without the added bitterness or blame that is destructive.
So thank you for those words that help us to live life as it is, not as we often wish it should be. When we cultivate this,we can enjoy the beauty around us and the people who make our lives worthwhile.

ReplyCheryl moreno 22/2/2017 11:32:03 am

Thank you so much for the free instruction i have a disease which doesnt allow me to access your courses but your free online daily posts are allowing me to work on a debilitating childhood love and kisses cheryl

ReplyMike Mcgee 20/11/2016 02:29:49 pm

Wonderful. Wonderful. A good pocket tool to carry around. Will use in my daily activities. Thanks.

Replymary murphy 30/1/2017 12:42:42 am

a great video and found it beneficial

ReplyTeresa flavin 20/5/2017 09:37:50 am

Wonderful piece of advice.I felt an instant calm listening to this video and how much sense it all made.Will definitely use it a my daily mantra.Many thanks for all your helpful advise and knowledge

ReplyTherese 26/5/2017 01:35:28 pm

Just sitting in the sun  listening to you speak about acceptance…. it made such sense to me, as in the past when I did nt accept something it felt like going against the grain. Thank you for your calming way.
Hopefully my practice of mindfullness will grow stronger.
Therese Mulreany

Pauline 23/9/2017 12:12:11 pm

Acceptance other half of Mindfulness Difficult for me to let go as u say doesn’t mean u approve or surrender to it makes sense Thank u for video help

http://https://youtu.be/oLAGdNt2av8

From reaction to response for better choices

The concept of the Cycle of Reaction can help us to appreciate and enjoy some important benefits of mindfulness practice in our everyday life. In particular it shows us how mindfulness helps us to get better at moving from reaction to response.

The sequence works like this:

The Cycle of Reaction sequence

Many times a day things happen to which we have a reaction. For instance, someone who did me a bad turn walks into a restaurant where I am about to have dinner.

I react to this with thoughts, memories, emotions and physical feelings. I tense up, I feel angry at their presence, how dare they even be here, I think, as I recall what they did.

I am now relating to all of those things going on in my head and in my body, namely the memory, thoughts, physical tensing and so on and not just to the bare reality of what has happened. I have forgotten about my dinner and I am lost in my anger about this person. But all that has actually happened is that a person I have reason to dislike has walked into the restaurant.

The next stage in the cycle is that I act under the influence of my reactions. In other words I act on autopilot if you like. So, for instance, I may tell myself that the whole occasion is now ruined, and leave the restaurant. Then I spend the evening thinking and complaining about this person while feeling upset.

A better response

When you practise mindfulness you build your capacity to notice these reactions before they take over.

Then you can choose a response, whether that is to do nothing or to act.

So in this case, when that person walks into the restaurant you notice your thoughts and feelings, etc flaring up. But instead of getting lost in those reactions, you bring your attention to your breath or perhaps to the experience of your body sitting in the chair. In this way you avoid that trance state.

Now, instead of being in a trance, you can consider what choices you have in the situation. These still include leaving but they also include staying and getting on with your dinner, or maybe even talking to the person. I am not saying that one response is better than the other but at least it’s a chosen response. When you act in mindfulness you are more likely to choose a response which is in your interests. Also, in my experience, you are more likely to feel good about whatever response you do choose.

And it doesn’t just apply to “live” scenes like the one I’ve used in the example. The “something” that happens to start the sequence could be a memory. For instance it could be the memory of the bad turn that this person has done. That, again, can throw you into that circle of reactions, trance and behaviour – the behaviour in this case could be to lie awake at night going over what happened. Instead, whenever the memory strikes you, you can observe these reactions kicking off, and you can step back into awareness of breath or body.

This is one of the ways in which mindfulness practice can bring a greater experience of peace into your life.

The above article is an edited extract from my 15 lesson online course Easy Mindfulness. Payment for the course is by donation. More information

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Negative thoughts about events old and new or about what’s coming up in the future can easily harm our peace of mind. When such thoughts are occurring more often than is useful, try using a phrase such as ‘Not happening now’ to sidestep the thought, to park it, so to speak , while you turn your attention to whatever is going on for you in the moment. That might just be your breathing or whatever else you are physically doing.

Rude interruption

If, for example, someone interrupts you rudely in a shop queue and you didn’t have a chance to object, that interruption can return to your mind many, many times. You re-run the scene, you say in your head what you wish you said in reality to the interrupter and so on.

Sticky thoughts

After you’ve had these thoughts a few times you might want to drop them but they’re ‘sticky’ – they keep coming back to bother you (I’m assuming that in real life you won’t be able to make your objections clear to this person who may be a stranger who has vanished into the crowd.)

Staying in the moment for any length of time can become more difficult because of the re-running of these thoughts. In other words it makes it harder to practise mindfulness. And such thoughts can come between you and your sleep.

The tactic that works

For me the tactic that helps is to use a phrase like ‘Not happening now’ to interrupt the thought when it comes back and then get on with whatever it is I’m doing. If the thought stays around for a while, I don’t get involved with it – I just say ‘Not happening now’ and go back to whatever else I’m doing.

It’s a simple tactic that works better the more you use it as your brain associates the phrase with moving past the thought.

To build on this: My online course Easy Mindfulness can help you to develop a life-enhancing mindfulness practice.

See also: Return again and again to the moment – video

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Catharine Hannay’s book, Being You – Mindfulness for Girls, is reviewed by Lily Bennett (13)

‘Being You’ is a girl’s guide to mindfulness. Written by Catharine Hannay, this book is targeted at young/teenage girls. 

It has a clear understanding of its target audience, with the writing a perfect mix of education and entertainment. 

Home and outdoor activities

The activities are a combination of things you can do at home and outdoor activities, and a few encourage healthy eating and exercising. Each chapter focuses on different topics, such as ‘empathy and compassion’, ‘savouring pleasant moments’ amongst many others.

It’s laid out in a very easy to read manner, with large headings and not so much information that it gets cluttered. The book itself is easy to read as well, because of the balance of information and personal stories.

The book includes  input and quotes from girls in the targeted age range, and I thought it was helpful to see what other girls my age were going through and how I related.

“I thought it was helpful to see what other girls my age were going through and how I related.”

Rainbow walk

One of my favourite activities was the ‘Rainbow Walk.’

• In this, you go on a walk and try to see one object for every colour of the rainbow.

It was interesting looking at my surroundings more closely than I did before on walks, and it helped keep my mind off other things, such as people looking at me when I walk with my headphones and the noises of the construction that goes on beside my usual walk.

Even though finding something for every colour of the rainbow sounds easy, it can get harder when you get to more vibrant colours, which makes for an entertaining walk. 

Another thing it did was make me walk for longer as I was preoccupied with looking for the rainbow objects and not so focused on how far I was walking. 

What kind of conversation?

Another of my favourite activities was called ‘what kind of conversation do I want?’. This focuses on planning out difficult conversations before they take place, in the form of a script. This simple exercise helped immensely with knowing what to say during the conversation, even if the other person didn’t ‘follow the script’. During difficult conversations, people tend to freeze up and blank on what to say, but with planning your conversations out beforehand, you at least have a basic grasp on what you need to get across. See below for how to do this activity.

‘This simple exercise helped immensely with knowing what to say’

Breathing

The exercises in Chapter Five focused on breathing. It was interesting to go through all of them and see which one worked best for me. None of them needed any preparation beforehand, they were all easy to remember and the instructions were clear and easy to comprehend. Examples are ‘One Minute Mindful Breathing’, ‘Counting the Breath, and ‘Flower and Bubble Breathing’. I would definitely use them in the future if needed. See below for instructions.

Summary

Overall, this book was very good, especially for teenage girls going through stressful situations. It includes plenty of activities for anyone to do. I found it very helpful and I’d definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a mindfulness book of this type.

Some exercises

Flower and bubble breathing

• Breathe in, imagining you are smelling a flower. Count to three while breathing in.
• Hold your breath for a count of four.
• Breathe out through your mouth, imagining you are blowing bubbles.
• Count to five while breathing out.

(originally from Letting go, a girl’s guide to breaking free of stress and anxiety by C. Fonseca)

Another way to count the breath

• Breathe in slowly, saying ‘Breathing in, one” Then breathe out slowly saying ‘Breathing out one.” Repeat this, changing the number to two and continue to seven. 

What kind of conversation do I want?

• Think about an important or difficult conversation that you need to have with someone, perhaps a teacher or one of your parents. Write answers to the questions in your journal […]
• How do you feel about having this conversation?
• What would you like to say to this person?
• What would you like this person to say or not say to you during this conversation?
• What would you like this person to do or not to do during or after this conversation?

One minute of mindful breathing

• Set a timer for 60 seconds.
• Sit in an upright but comfortable posture.
• Close your eyes if that seems comfortable to you. (If you prefer you can look at a spot on the wall or the floor).
• Focus on your ordinary, normal breathing.
• When your mind wanders gently bring your attention back to your breath. (It’s completely normal for your mind to wander even within 60 seconds).

See also: Mindfulness for Students

Page image by Image by Daria Nepriakhina

When under stress we can usually say that three things are going on at once. First is the physical sensation of stress that I think we’re all quite familiar with. Second is the fear regarding whatever it is that we’re stressed about e.g. will I get this project finished in time for the presentation i have to make to my colleagues?

Third is rumination. Rumination means going over and over in our minds the situation that’s stressing us and re-running negative thoughts and over and over again, repeating the same negative scenarios and the same phrases to ourselves. In the example above you might conjure up a scene of your boss or colleagues complaining about your failure to finish the project, of getting a bad work appraisal and so on.

Quite often, the physical and emotional pressure you feel when stressed can’t be wished away – some of it is unavoidable in the circumstances. But what’s avoidable is the rumination that makes matters worse, re-running scenarios in your mind and thinking about what will happen if something goes wrong.

Not planning

Note that rumination is not planning. When you plan you try to work out what to do; when you ruminate you upset yourself with negative thoughts.

When we practise mindfulness we are practising, among other things, the skill of stepping out of rumination. Whenever we notice that the mind has wandered off, we bring it back to the present moment. Developing that skill is especially helpful in relation to stress. That’s because rumination increases stress and stepping back into the moment reduces it by interrupting rumination.

How to step out

When you notice you are lost in re-running pointless or unhelpful thoughts, bring your awareness to something you sense, perhaps to the breath in your nose, to walking, to what you hear, to awareness of sensations in your hands and feet, essentially to something that takes you out of the stream of thoughts and into what we might call the moment or the ‘now’.

Making this a practice in your everyday life can make a big contribution to reducing your stress levels.

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness includes techniques you can use straight away and a wealth of information about what mindfulness is and how it can benefit you.

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In 2014, Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield interviewed me on Good Morning Britain on ITV about mindfulness following the publication of Mindfulness on the Go. At the time, interest in mindfulness was taking off in Britain. The video is about 10 minutes long which, in 2020 internet terms, is like a century. If you stay in the ‘now’ while you’re watching, the time will fly!

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness can give you a comprehensive introduction to mindfulness and complements the book though you don’t need the one to enjoy the other.