“While this may sound passive to our action-oriented ears, the ability to rest comfortably in the present moment regardless of its imperfections is the foundation of all true happiness.”

I really like this quote from Sharon Salzberg’s book, Real Happiness at Work. It recognises the truth of the old Buddhist belief that dissatisfaction is an inevitable aspect of living. But it does so without resentment or even gloom. Instead it asserts that we can live with, and even be happy in, that dissatisfaction.

To do so we need to accept our moments of dissatisfaction as well as those we like. Acceptance here means not fighting with the inevitable reality of the moment. We normally fight reality through self-talk, those imaginary battles we have in our head when we don’t like what’s happened but can’t (or won’t!) do anything about it.

Acceptance and change

Actually, acceptance often leads to change – its seems to direct energy in useful and sometimes powerful ways. Think of someone who accepts they have a drink or drug problem and who ultimately goes into recovery because of this acceptance.

But there’s a lot of dissatisfaction in life that we won’t be able to do something about. Accepting this enables us to navigate through these dissatisfactions in good shape. That’s an important aspect of mindfulness and one that is well worth cultivating.

How to do it

We can cultivate it by watching out for negative self-talk and by recognising that most of life’s dissatisfactions are quickly forgotten even though they may feel terribly important at the time. Mindfulness helps us to step away from that negative self-talk and into awareness of our breathing or what we are physically doing.

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness can help you to cultivate these attitudes as well as teaching you other aspects of this life-enhancing skill.

Returning is a key aspect of mindfulness.

What it means is returning your attention again and again from what’s going on in your wandering mind to what’s going on in the moment, usually outside your head.

We never get to the stage where we can stay in the “now” all the time with completely clear minds. Minds generate thoughts, that’s what they do. So what we aim for is to come back from those thoughts into the present moment as often as we can and much more often than we would do if we were not practising mindfulness.

Disadvantages of wandering

Mind wandering is fine when it brings us into happy places. Unfortunately, as we know, it also brings us into places of resentment and regret, perhaps into unfair and unbalanced self-criticism and into exaggerated fears.

Also, wandering in the form of rumination (repeating negative thoughts over and over) is associated with depression.

So for these reasons we aim in mindfulness to cultivate the skill of coming back from that wandering whenever we notice it is going on, and returning to awareness of the present moment.

How to do it

You can do this by coming back to awareness of the breath in your nose or of sensations in your feet and hands or of walking and in many other ways. It’s simple but the benefits are profound.

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness will give you many mindfulness techniques as well as an understanding of what is behind mindfulness and how to use it.

It can be easy to see acceptance only as an approach to difficult people or situations.

Lighten the burden

It’s important though to accept what’s positive in the day or in our lives also. Positive acceptance lightens the burden that we put on our shoulders if we consider only what’s negative.

What’s good about you

It’s also important to accept what’s good about ourselves – endless self criticism makes for a painful experience of living. Taking the time to recognise and accept what’s good in us can lighten the load by giving recognition to our positive aspects.

My 15 lesson online course True Friend will teach you self compassion which will help greatly in acknowledging the positive aspects of you. Payment is by donation. More information 

In life we face many losses – of people or places maybe, of money, perhaps jobs. And it’s so important to be able to eventually accept these losses so that we can become increasingly involved with our present life, and with the future.

A natural part of living

We can acknowledge and accept the presence of sadness. We don’t have to get rid of it. We don’t have to avoid it. It’s a natural part of living. And in accepting a loss, we also continue to respect the value of whoever or whatever is gone while we’re allowing ourselves to move forward along the path that’s opening up in front of us.

The opening path

Every stage of life includes some loss. But while respecting that we can also learn to respect what’s valuable in that path I mentioned that is opening up in front of us

My 15 lesson online course True Friend will teach you self compassion which will help greatly in accepting life’s painful events.. Payment is by donation. More information 

Resentment – someone else should feel guilty?

Resentment plagues many people, coming between them and their ability to be in the moment, not to mention often depriving them of a good night’s sleep. Worse, a resentment, if you focus on it continuously, can go on for years, even decades.

I was interested to see, many years ago, that in gestalt therapy resentment is seen as a demand that the other person should feel guilty. And resentment, I think, is worse when you suspect that the other person does not feel guilty. Indeed that might be the very thing that keeps resentment going,.

Back to this moment

One very beneficial aspect of mindfulness, when you return again and again to the reality of the present moment outside your head, is that it leaves little room for resentment. Often, making that switch from the drama inside your head to whatever you’re physically doing, seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, is the best way to deal with certain resentments.

The alternative, arguing about the original offence all over again in your mind, as if doing so can get you somewhere will, as we all know from all experience, get us nowhere except deeper into pain, sadness or anger.

And if there is something we can do about whatever we resent, something that will leave us better off than before with did it, then resentment can distract us from making plan to deal with it. Indeed, I think resentment is often a substitute for taking reasonable action.

A weekend plan

If I resent the fact that you walked past me in the corridor on Friday afternoon without acknowledging my presence, I could spend a huge amount of time during the weekend going through scenarios in my mind in which I confront you about it. But when I get to work on Monday morning I may actually nothing at all. If, instead of going through all these resentment scenarios I could have sat down and made a plan to ask you on Monday morning why you ignored me on Friday afternoon, maybe even if I wrote down what exactly to say as a reminder to myself, I could go through my weekend without having to think continuously about something which may not of been meant offensively at all.

Sometimes resentment is towards an institution you will never be able to reach and in such a case I think it is very important for our peace of mind to be able to return to the present moment to stop us from spending years thinking about what the institution, a bank perhaps, did. In other cases it is possible to do something about it and again I think it is far more beneficial to figure out what that might be and whether it will serve you well rather than stewing in anger and rumination.

The real enemy?

Very often, the real enemy is not the person who offended us but the resentment itself with all the emotional pain it entails. So you need to ‘know your enemy’ in other words know that most of your pain may be coming from thinking about a past event rather than the event itself.

Apart from mindfully returning to the moment, you can also combat resentment whenever it comes into your mind in this way: Take a moment to picture yourself and say silently the words be happy, be safe, be well.

That’s far more healthy than thinking on and on about your enemy.

Mindfulness makes it easier to spot resentment and to step out of it into a healthier place and you can learn more about all aspects of mindfulness in my 15 lesson online course Easy Mindfulness (pay by donation, so it’s affordable to all). Find out more here.

The way we feel has an effect, an influence beyond ourselves, on people we know and even on people who we don’t know.

Who I know, who they know

That’s what the research into social networks tells us. My social network is made up of the people that I know, the people that they know, and sometimes even further beyond. If I am feeling happy today, the people that I know, and with whom I have some contact, are likely to feel somewhat happier also. And people that they know, and with whom they are in contact, are also likely to feel somewhat happier.

Our own moods also are influenced by other people in our network just as we influence theirs. So we don’t just function alone, we are part of a social network which has an effect on us, and in which we have an effect on others.

Not just an inside job

I think it’s good to know that if you’re feeling positive, that has an effect on other people around you. Happiness isn’t just an inside job. Some of your happiness comes from the effect on you of what’s rippling out from the happiness of others. And your happiness is also rippling out to the people you know.

So we’re in a socially connected world, an emotionally connected world. And I think that can be a source of some inspiration and encouragement to us.

My online course True Friend  will help you be more compassionate to yourself and the effects of that will ripple out to others.  Payment is by donation. More information