Mindfulness

Mindfulness
Your feelings make ripples

The way we feel has an effect, an influence beyond ourselves, on people we know and even on people who we don’t know.

Who I know, who they know

That’s what the research into social networks tells us. My social network is made up of the people that I know, the people that they know, and sometimes even further beyond. If I am feeling happy today, the people that I know, and with whom I have some contact, are likely to feel somewhat happier also. And people that they know, and with whom they are in contact, are also likely to feel somewhat happier.

Our own moods also are influenced by other people in our network just as we influence theirs. So we don’t just function alone, we are part of a social network which has an effect on us, and in which we have an effect on others.

Not just an inside job

I think it’s good to know that if you’re feeling positive, that has an effect on other people around you. Happiness isn’t just an inside job. Some of your happiness comes from the effect on you of what’s rippling out from the happiness of others. And your happiness is also rippling out to the people you know.

So we’re in a socially connected world, an emotionally connected world. And I think that can be a source of some inspiration and encouragement to us.

My online course True Friend  will help you be more compassionate to yourself and the effects of that will ripple out to others.  Payment is by donation. More information 

 

29/09/2022

Mindfulness
To live well, accept uncertainty

A disadvantage in the world

Clinging too tightly to how we think things ought to be, has probably always been a disadvantage in the world.

But in a world of such uncertainty as that in which we now live, it’s a very definite disadvantage.

And it has a very definite negative effect, I think, on our ability to live well. This has always been part of the philosophy behind mindfulness.

Accept uncertainty

In order to live well, we need to be able to accept uncertainty, and to give most of our awareness, to the present moment that we’re living through. This doesn’t mean we can’t plan – of course we can . But if we come become too attached to how things or indeed people ought to be, we increase our unhappiness, because we’re attempting to control the uncontrollable.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that we cannot control the world although we have a good deal of control over what we do in the world.

The path that’s opening out

So we all want certain things, and we’re motivated to go and get them. But mindfulness teaches us that  the important thing is to be able to let go, when that’s no longer doable, when it no longer makes sense to keep clinging on.  Instead to appreciate whatever is good in the path that’s opening out in front of us as we make our way in uncertainty. It’s about not clinging beyond reason, and cultivating an appreciation of this moment now as we move along the path.

My 15 lesson online course Easy Mindfulness will teach you the practice and theory of mindfulness at your own pace. Payment is by donation. More information 

21/09/2022

At work mindfulness  ·  Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness
Burnout – how mindful self-compassion can help

Burnout is usually associated with work. When you arrive at burnout

  • you no longer derive pleasure from your work,
  • you can become rather cynical about its value, and about the workplace
  • and what you see as the lack of support.
  • You also become negative about your own abilities
  • and you can dread going back into the situation each day.

Some workplaces are toxic environments which people need to get out of as soon as they find an alternative.

What we’re concerned with here is that stress we can reduce significantly ourselves with the practices of mindfulness and self-compassion.

Perfectionism

What are some personal sources of stress and burnout?

One is perfectionism. As Kristin Neff has pointed out, research shows that perfectionists are at a higher risk of psychological problems, including depression, anxiety and eating disorders.

An approach based on self-compassion would drop the perfectionist demand instead of striving endlessly to achieve the impossible.

Attachments

Your attachments can also be a source of stress and burnout. For instance, suppose you are attached to an image of yourself as a person who can endure whatever life throws at them. If you cling tightly to that image, you are likely to remain in situations (unending workplace bullying for instance) that you would be wiser to get out of – and self-compassion can help you to see that.

But when you are stressed out, that’s very hard to see. Stress induces a sort of tunnel vision that narrows your options.

Mindfulness can help you to pull back from that swirl of thoughts and feelings and to see more clearly.

Saying ‘no’

Self-compassion allows you to say ‘no’ to loading more and more onto your shoulders. Greg McKeown, in his book Essentialism, points out the obvious but often unappreciated fact that we don’t have to meet every request life throws at us.

He also points out the less obvious fact that creating some space in your life can require turning down good opportunities as well as bad.

“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter,” he writes

Inevitable stress

Some stress is inevitable. For instance, if you’re a parent of a child with demanding disabilities and you’re also trying to hold down a job, you probably have a higher degree of stress in your life than many other people. In this situation, self-compassion and mindfulness can be a huge support. Mindfulness can help to calm down your own emotional system as you address your many challenges. And self-compassion can give you that kindness and support that you need and that you may or may not get from others.

Finally …

Remember the fundamental principle: whatever is going on in your life, offer yourself self-compassion. That is always in your power to do.

This article is a shortened version of a lesson in my True Friend self-compassion online course which is available on demand.

More resources for self compassion

Image by Yuris Alhumaydy

15/09/2022

Mindfulness
If happiness is a feeling, catch it while you can

‘Happiness Is a feeling, not an outcome. When you understand that happiness is nothing more than a feeling, you can help it to grow and maintain itself when you do feel it.’ (Richard Carlson, You can be happy no matter what).

So spot feelings of happiness that come to you at random, ordinary moments for no particular reason and give them some appreciation while they last.

Easier said than done?

Sometimes this is easier said than done. Maybe difficult events are going on in your life or you’re in a ‘down’ mood that’s persisted for a while. Still, little moments of happiness, of lightness, can occur. We can spot them and appreciate them while they last even if that’s not for very long.

When we ignore these feelings, it’s as though life has given us some free happiness and we’ve brushed it to one side, preferring to dwell on our issues and our doubts.

But since we spend so much time and effort pursuing happiness, doesn’t it make sense to catch it and appreciate it when it comes along?

So think of random good moods or feelings as ‘free happiness’ that you didn’t have to do something specific to experience. All you have to do is to allow it to remain in your awareness for a little longer.

When you practise mindfulness it becomes easier to spot those good moments. You can learn all you need to know about mindfulness in my 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness.  Payment is by donation.

See also: Spotting unexpected happiness

 

Image by Luca Upper on Unsplash

 

 

06/09/2022

Dr Kristin Neff
Mindfulness
That surprise when things don’t go as expected

“Once we fall into the trap of believing that things are ‘supposed’ to go well, we tend to think something has gone terribly amiss when they suddenly don’t.”

So writes Dr Kristin Neff in her book Self Compassion.

It’s a favourite quote of mine because it takes the sting out of the fact that in everyday life things don’t always go right.

Naturally we’d like things to go right but it isn’t the end of the world (usually) when they don’t. And as Buddhist psychology reminds us – and this is very much part of the mindfulness philosophy – everything is impermanent so we simply cannot assume that things will go the way we want them to.

I try to remind myself that if 51 per cent of things go right in a day I’m ahead of the game and with luck the ‘success’ rate will be even higher. After all demanding say 90 per cent success can actually put us off moving forward and even trying because we’ve set the bar so high. Aiming for 51 per cent gets us started and gets things done.

I wouldn’t recommend this approach for brain surgery or landing planes but when it comes to the small change of everyday life, 51 per cent will do.

For more on self-compassion check out my 15-lesson online course True Friend.

24/08/2022

Mindfulness
Return again and again to the moment (video)

Mindfulness is often thought of as ‘being in the moment.’ It’s more about returning to the moment again and again.

That’s because our minds wander by default – so we have to keep bringing them back.

One way to bring our attention back is to focus awareness on our breathing. This is perhaps the most basic of all mindfulness exercises – observing your breathing, perhaps counting the breath as you do. For instance you could count to 7 while breathing in and to 11 while breathing out, for a while. If 11 is too much of a stretch for you, use a shorter number.

Deliberate awareness of breathing has a calming effect on the emotional centre of the brain and that is probably why it is to popular among mindfulness practitioners. 

Returning again and again helps us to avoid getting lost in rumination.  Rumination means thinking negative thoughts over and over again.

Rumination can lead us towards depression or excessive anger so the ability to come out of it quickly is very valuable.

To learn more about all aspects of mindfulness, check out my Easy Mindfulness online course. 

Image by Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

15/08/2022

Mindfulness
Come into the mindful space

Come into the mindful space – it’s easy

A mindful space is one you can come into for a sense of clarity, or a pause in the day or a rest from the busyness going on around you.

How do you enter it? By becoming aware of your breathing or of your body.

But it’s not just that – the important thing is that you don’t engage with the thoughts that are running through your mind. You let them go by without getting involved in them. And the way that you do that, again, is to keep bringing your attention back to your breathing or your body.

Your mind will drift away again and again, even while you’re in that space. But keep bringing it back.

A pleasant sense of clarity

In that space you can get a sense of clarity, which can be very pleasant. You will usually also get a sense of relaxation. You can even get the break you need in your stream of thoughts to give you a new sense of perspective or to make a better choice.

Don’t have time for it? The good news is that it doesn’t take a long time.If you can’t go into the mindful space for five or six or seven minutes, go into it for two or three or four minutes. If you can do it for, say, 10 minutes all the better.

That mindful space can add significantly to your quality of life. So try it out – see what it’s like.

My 15-lesson mindfulness course, online, can help how to enter the mindfulness space more easily and how to practise many other aspects of mindfulness. Payment is by donation. More details.

Page image is by Joshua Jen on Unsplash

 

 

10/08/2022

Mindfulness
Other’s happiness helps you too

We can’t always have something to celebrate for ourselves when our emotional mood is low. But taking pleasure in the good fortune of other people can help lift the gloom. It is, if you like, a way to light a candle in the darkness.

This often neglected approach is part of the philosophy behind mindfulness. Mindfulness, as we practice it today, is derived from Buddhist philosophy and one traditional Buddhist approach, called Mudita,  expresses this idea.

Positive Empathy

In Western psychology it is called positive empathy. Empathy means appreciating or understanding or sensing how another person feels.  Often we bring this  into play when we sense that another person is suffering.

In positive empathy, or Mudita, we bring our awareness to another person’s happiness, joy or pleasure. We then allow ourselves to share that happiness.

Reward centres

We know from research that taking pleasure in another person’s happiness and wishing them well activates reward centres in the brain so that we ourselves feel rewarded.

Cultivating joy has always been a somewhat unacknowledged part of Buddhist philosophy. One way to cultivate that the joy, especially when there isn’t much of it in your own day, is to feel joyful for someone else’s good fortune.

Try this:

Call to mind someone you know and like and think of that person receiving good news or in some other way having an experience that brings them happiness. Let your awareness rest on their happiness for a little while. Say silently to them, Be happy, be well. Now think of the fact that people all over the world are experiencing moments of happiness just now. They also have unpleasant experiences, just like you, but right now they’re having a moment of happiness. Now say silently to them, Be happy, be well.

Try repeating this practice for a few minutes a few times a day.  it’s an act of friendship towards other people that will also benefit you.

It’s also a form of compassion towards other people and of self compassion.

To build on this:

My online course True Friend, on self-compassion will introduce you to this and other ways to help you feel better about yourself as well as others. Payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all.

03/08/2022

Gladness liberates the mind
Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Gladness liberates the mind

Gladness liberates the mind, or so the Buddha is supposed to have said.

It liberates the mind from rumination and negativity during the time that you are feeling glad.

What do I feel glad about?

So it’s a good practice to ask yourself as you go through your day, what do I have to feel glad about? When you find it, allow yourself some moments to appreciate it.

Often you’ll experience the feeling of gladness as a physical sensation in your stomach or in your heart area. Some people feel it just below the bottom of their rib cage.

Sometimes if you are working on a difficult project it can be helpful to pause now and then to ask ‘what do I have to feel glad about?’ This can lighten the burden while you work on more challenging issues.

A physical sensation

Also, as I mentioned above, the feeling. of gladness is often physical – so enjoy it as physical – don’t analyse it to bits. Enjoy it while it’s there.

So, what do you have to feel glad about?

Mindfulness helps us to fully appreciate gladness. My Easy Mindfulness online course will help you to make this valuable practice part of your daily life – without lengthy meditations. Payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

Page image from Unsplash

27/07/2022

Illustration by Ahmed Zayan for What quality am I bringing to this moment?
Mindfulness
What quality am I bringing to this moment?

This question can bring you straight into the practice of mindfulness – so long as you don’t answer it.

By asking the question, you step out of habitual responses for that moment – out of the wandering mind and preoccupations in which we all spend a good deal of time.

When I ask the question I see fairly quickly that I am welcoming the moment or pushing it away or wanting it to go on for longer or feeling irritated or one of any number of attitudes or qualities.

Hardly aware

It seems our attitude to the moment can be something we are hardly aware of – yet it colours other people’s experience of us (grumpy vs happy for instance) as well as our own mood.

Why not answer the question? Because you ask the question only in order to come out of that light trance.  If you need to change the quality you are bringing to the moment you will realise this instantly, in my experience, and will alter your approach without needing to analyse.

The experience I am having

By the way, when I say ‘this moment’  I’m really saying ‘the experience that I am having right now.’  So a longer version of the question would be “What quality am I bringing to the experience I’m having right now?”

One could say the question is another way of saying ‘Wake up!’ And mindfulness practice aims to keep us awake to our experience and to what we are adding to it.

So the question, “What quality am I bringing to this moment?” can bring us straight into the heart of mindfulness practice.

My 15-lesson Easy Mindfulness online course can enable you to bring many mindfulness practices to your daily life and to learn what mindfulness is and why it’s a good idea to practise it. Payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

Image by Ahmed Zayan from Unsplash

21/07/2022

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