Mindfulness

Mindfulness
Accepting the positive in the day, our life, in ourselves

It can be easy to see acceptance only as an approach to difficult people or situations.

Lighten the burden

It’s important though to accept what’s positive in the day or in our lives also. Positive acceptance lightens the burden that we put on our shoulders if we consider only what’s negative.

What’s good about you

It’s also important to accept what’s good about ourselves – endless self criticism makes for a painful experience of living. Taking the time to recognise and accept what’s good in us can lighten the load by giving recognition to our positive aspects.

 

My 15 lesson online course True Friend will teach you self compassion which will help greatly in acknowledging the positive aspects of you. Payment is by donation. More information 

 
 
22/11/2023

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Breathing to see choices

Sometimes when we get caught up in thoughts, we can actually fail to see our choices.

That’s because we go around and around in circles, ruminating, often on things that are negative or scary from past or future. Or we build up our own stress levels ‘awfulising’ about something that’s coming up – a challenging piece of work perhaps. It then becomes so easy to see only the thoughts and not the reality of what else we could do.

Breathe mindfully

A little mindful breathing can help. I’m talking about something as simple as:

– breathing in for a count of four,
– holding your breath for a count of four,
– then breathing out for a count of four.

What it does

Just a little exercise like that can break down the chain of thought and rumination and can help you to see choices that were always there – but which you just didn’t see because you were lost in the tunnel of rumination.

Breathing in awareness can get you out of that tunnel.

 

My Easy Mindfulness course can help you spot rumination and to get yourself out of that tunnel.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

 

17/11/2023

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Drop self-attacking language

 

Watch out for the use of attack language where you’re attacking yourself, calling yourself a ‘failure’ or ‘stupid’ or anything of that sort.

It’s the very opposite to self compassion – and we need to give ourselves self compassion in this often hard world.

We sometimes – maybe often – use attack language like that to ourselves when we get something wrong, something as simple as dropping a spoon!

But watch out for that kind of language because it doesn’t really do anything except make you feel worse.

I don’t talk to myself like that anymore

You could instead redirect your attention to dealing with what just happened and you might also say something to yourself like ‘I don’t talk to myself like that anymore.’

The use of this self-attacking language is something that people often do outside of awareness almost, especially if they are used to talking to themselves in that harsh way.

When you practise mindfulness you can spot that language so much more easily.  If you need to know more about mindfulness this post will help.

Self-attacking language can make people feel very down and it’s not really justified.

It doesn’t help you in your life – so remember:

I don’t talk to myself like that anymore.

Video edited from a self-compassion presentation.

My True Friend course can help you to build compassion for yourself – to be a friend to yourself whatever happens.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

My book Kindfulness can also help you drop the self-attacking habit. 

07/11/2023

Mindfulness
Resting in the imperfect moment

“While this may sound passive to our action-oriented ears, the ability to rest comfortably in the present moment regardless of its imperfections is the foundation of all true happiness.”

I really like this quote from Sharon Salzberg’s book, Real Happiness at Work. It recognises the truth of the old Buddhist belief that dissatisfaction is an inevitable aspect of living. But it does so without resentment or even gloom. Instead it asserts that we can live with, and even be happy in, that dissatisfaction.

To do so we need to accept our moments of dissatisfaction as well as those we like. Acceptance here means not fighting with the inevitable reality of the moment. We normally fight reality through self-talk, those imaginary battles we have in our head when we don’t like what’s happened but can’t (or won’t!) do anything about it.

Acceptance and change

Actually, acceptance often leads to change – its seems to direct energy in useful and sometimes powerful ways. Think of someone who accepts they have a drink or drug problem and who ultimately goes into recovery because of this acceptance.

But there’s a lot of dissatisfaction in life that we won’t be able to do something about. Accepting this enables us to navigate through these dissatisfactions in good shape. That’s an important aspect of mindfulness and one that is well worth cultivating.

How to do it

We can cultivate it by watching out for negative self-talk and by recognising that most of life’s dissatisfactions are quickly forgotten even though they may feel terribly important at the time. Mindfulness helps us to step away from that negative self-talk and into awareness of our breathing or what we are physically doing.

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness can help you to cultivate these attitudes as well as teaching you other aspects of this life-enhancing skill.

 

02/11/2023

Mindfulness
Rumination increases stress, mindfulness cuts rumination

When under stress we can usually say that three things are going on at once. First is the physical sensation of stress that I think we’re all quite familiar with. Second is the fear regarding whatever it is that we’re stressed about e.g. will I get this project finished in time for the presentation i have to make to my colleagues?

Third is rumination. Rumination means going over and over in our minds the situation that’s stressing us and re-running negative thoughts and over and over again, repeating the same negative scenarios and the same phrases to ourselves. In the example above you might conjure up a scene of your boss or colleagues complaining about your failure to finish the project, of getting a bad work appraisal and so on.

Quite often, the physical and emotional pressure you feel when stressed can’t be wished away – some of it is unavoidable in the circumstances. But what’s avoidable is the rumination that makes matters worse, re-running scenarios in your mind and thinking about what will happen if something goes wrong.

Not planning

Note that rumination is not planning. When you plan you try to work out what to do; when you ruminate you upset yourself with negative thoughts.

When we practise mindfulness we are practising, among other things, the skill of stepping out of rumination. Whenever we notice that the mind has wandered off, we bring it back to the present moment. Developing that skill is especially helpful in relation to stress. That’s because rumination increases stress and stepping back into the moment reduces it by interrupting rumination.

How to step out

When you notice you are lost in re-running pointless or unhelpful thoughts, bring your awareness to something you sense, perhaps to the breath in your nose, to walking, to what you hear, to awareness of sensations in your hands and feet, essentially to something that takes you out of the stream of thoughts and into what we might call the moment or the ‘now’.

Making this a practice in your everyday life can make a big contribution to reducing your stress levels.

My 15-lesson online course Easy Mindfulness includes techniques you can use straight away and a wealth of information about what mindfulness is and how it can benefit you.

Image by James Scott

25/10/2023

Mindfulness
Resentment – someone else should feel guilty?

Resentment – someone else should feel guilty?

Resentment plagues many people, coming between them and their ability to be in the moment, not to mention often depriving them of a good night’s sleep. Worse, a resentment, if you focus on it continuously, can go on for years, even decades.

I was interested to see, many years ago, that in gestalt therapy resentment is seen as a demand that the other person should feel guilty. And resentment, I think, is worse when you suspect that the other person does not feel guilty. Indeed that might be the very thing that keeps resentment going,.

Back to this moment

One very beneficial aspect of mindfulness, when you return again and again to the reality of the present moment outside your head, is that it leaves little room for resentment. Often, making that switch from the drama inside your head to whatever you’re physically doing, seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, is the best way to deal with certain resentments.

The alternative, arguing about the original offence all over again in your mind, as if doing so can get you somewhere will, as we all know from all experience, get us nowhere except deeper into pain, sadness or anger.

And if there is something we can do about whatever we resent, something that will leave us better off than before with did it, then resentment can distract us from making plan to deal with it. Indeed, I think resentment is often a substitute for taking reasonable action.

A weekend plan

If I resent the fact that you walked past me in the corridor on Friday afternoon without acknowledging my presence, I could spend a huge amount of time during the weekend going through scenarios in my mind in which I confront you about it. But when I get to work on Monday morning I may actually nothing at all. If, instead of going through all these resentment scenarios I could have sat down and made a plan to ask you on Monday morning why you ignored me on Friday afternoon, maybe even if I wrote down what exactly to say as a reminder to myself, I could go through my weekend without having to think continuously about something which may not of been meant offensively at all.

Sometimes resentment is towards an institution you will never be able to reach and in such a case I think it is very important for our peace of mind to be able to return to the present moment to stop us from spending years thinking about what the institution, a bank perhaps, did. In other cases it is possible to do something about it and again I think it is far more beneficial to figure out what that might be and whether it will serve you well rather than stewing in anger and rumination.

The real enemy?

Very often, the real enemy is not the person who offended us but the resentment itself with all the emotional pain it entails. So you need to ‘know your enemy’ in other words know that most of your pain may be coming from thinking about a past event rather than the event itself.

Apart from mindfully returning to the moment, you can also combat resentment whenever it comes into your mind in this way: Take a moment to picture yourself and say silently the words be happy, be safe, be well.

That’s far more healthy than thinking on and on about your enemy.

Mindfulness makes it easier to spot resentment and to step out of it into a healthier place and you can learn more about all aspects of mindfulness in my 15 lesson online course Easy Mindfulness (pay by donation, so it’s affordable to all). Find out more here.

 

 

18/10/2023

At work mindfulness  ·  Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness
Burnout – how mindful self-compassion can help

Burnout is usually associated with work. When you arrive at burnout

  • you no longer derive pleasure from your work,
  • you can become rather cynical about its value, and about the workplace
  • and what you see as the lack of support.
  • You also become negative about your own abilities
  • and you can dread going back into the situation each day.

Some workplaces are toxic environments which people need to get out of as soon as they find an alternative.

What we’re concerned with here is that stress we can reduce significantly ourselves with the practices of mindfulness and self-compassion.

Perfectionism

What are some personal sources of stress and burnout?

One is perfectionism. As Kristin Neff has pointed out, research shows that perfectionists are at a higher risk of psychological problems, including depression, anxiety and eating disorders.

An approach based on self-compassion would drop the perfectionist demand instead of striving endlessly to achieve the impossible.

Attachments

Your attachments can also be a source of stress and burnout. For instance, suppose you are attached to an image of yourself as a person who can endure whatever life throws at them. If you cling tightly to that image, you are likely to remain in situations (unending workplace bullying for instance) that you would be wiser to get out of – and self-compassion can help you to see that.

But when you are stressed out, that’s very hard to see. Stress induces a sort of tunnel vision that narrows your options.

Mindfulness can help you to pull back from that swirl of thoughts and feelings and to see more clearly.

Saying ‘no’

Self-compassion allows you to say ‘no’ to loading more and more onto your shoulders. Greg McKeown, in his book Essentialism, points out the obvious but often unappreciated fact that we don’t have to meet every request life throws at us.

He also points out the less obvious fact that creating some space in your life can require turning down good opportunities as well as bad.

“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter,” he writes

Inevitable stress

Some stress is inevitable. For instance, if you’re a parent of a child with demanding disabilities and you’re also trying to hold down a job, you probably have a higher degree of stress in your life than many other people. In this situation, self-compassion and mindfulness can be a huge support. Mindfulness can help to calm down your own emotional system as you address your many challenges. And self-compassion can give you that kindness and support that you need and that you may or may not get from others.

Finally …

Remember the fundamental principle: whatever is going on in your life, offer yourself self-compassion. That is always in your power to do.

This article is a shortened version of a lesson in my True Friend self-compassion online course which is available on demand.

More resources for self compassion

Image by Yuris Alhumaydy

11/10/2023

Mindfulness
Resilience, a soft skill not a hard shell

We hear a lot about resilience and with good reason. Perhaps we see it as putting up a hard shell to repel life’s misfortunes. But resilience isn’t necessarily a matter of toughing it out.

It’s often a matter of being kind to yourself – It’s a soft skill – and of treating yourself in a way that gets you through experiences in good shape.

Mindful awareness

So one aspect of resilience, for instance, might be mindful awareness. This means stepping aside from rumination, from going endlessly, over and over and over whatever it is that is troubling you. Coming into present moment awareness can give you a break from that and can give you space for other things in your life.

Self compassion

Another aspect is self compassion, which means being kind to yourself, treating yourself like a friend. This could include thinking back to times when you successfully got through difficulties, and realising that you can do that again.

It’s also a matter of realising that many other people are going through difficulties as well at the same time as you. This in itself can be comforting.

Affirmation

A third aspect of resilience – more of a tool for resilience, really – is to use an affirmation. There’s nothing mystical or magical about this. An affirmation is a better thought than the one you would otherwise be having.

Many people use the affirmation ‘Not happening now.’ Suppose you find your mind occupied by a disagreement at work and suppose these thoughts are interfering with your time for rest and recreation. Saying ‘Not happening now’ can help redirect your awareness to something different, in this case to that rest and recreation you need to help you to get through tough times. You may even find that solutions come into your mind following rest and recreation – but that’s a bonus.

Other affirmations include ‘This too will pass’ or ‘Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.’

So think of resilience as a form self care. It’s not about being a wave crashing against the rocks. It’s more like being a stream that can make its way between the rocks to a quieter place.

Learn more about self compassion in my online course True Friend. Payment is by donation.

04/10/2023

Mindfulness
A breath for calm: simple de-stressing

Take a breath has become a cliché – but taking a breath the right way can indeed calm you down. The fundamental way to do this is to breathe slowly through your nose but as if you were breathing with your belly. Be aware of the rise and fall of your belly as you breathe through your nose.

Calming the nervous system

What this does is to activate the calming part of your nervous system. It’s called the parasympathetic nervous system but I think of it as the calming part. It’s necessary because we’ve also got the “up and at ’em” nervous system which is the sympathetic nervous system – that’s necessary for dealing with threats, for throwing ourselves into an action and so on. But we need to be able to come down from that, to rest – which is where the calming part comes it and indeed people sometimes describe it with the phrase “rest and digest.”

An effective variation

I have described the fundamental way of doing this above but really good variation on it was found to be very effective for calming in a study at the University of Pisa, reported by The Washington Post.

This involves partially breathing in through your nose, pausing very briefly and then completing the in-breath. Then you breath out slowing through your lips.

You can think of the in-breath as ‘1 (pause) 2’ and of the out-breath as ‘3’. Another way is to think: ‘Breathing in (pause) I am here. Breathing out I am here.’

Breathing out through the mouth gives you a longer out-breath which is also calming. You can breathe out so gently that nobody else in your space knows you are doing it.

A marvellous, free resource

Your breath is a marvellous free resource which does much more than keeping us alive. Try these exercises and see how they feel.

Learn more about mindfulness in my online course Easy Mindfulness. Payment is by donation.

25/09/2023

Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Gladness liberates the mind

Gladness liberates the mind, or so the Buddha is supposed to have said.

It liberates the mind from rumination and negativity during the time that you are feeling glad.

What do I feel glad about?

So it’s a good practice to ask yourself as you go through your day, what do I have to feel glad about? When you find it, allow yourself some moments to appreciate it.

Often you’ll experience the feeling of gladness as a physical sensation in your stomach or in your heart area. Some people feel it just below the bottom of their rib cage.

Sometimes if you are working on a difficult project it can be helpful to pause now and then to ask ‘what do I have to feel glad about?’ This can lighten the burden while you work on more challenging issues.

A physical sensation

Also, as I mentioned above, the feeling. of gladness is often physical – so enjoy it as physical – don’t analyse it to bits. Enjoy it while it’s there.

I like how the benefits of gladness or happiness are expressed on the Action for Happiness website:

“Scientist Barbara Fredrickson and her colleagues found that fleeting momentary experiences of pleasant emotions broaden our perceptual fields, causing us to literally see more; to be more open and trusting of others; recognise people from other cultures better; see more options; be more open to ideas; more likely to adapt, and be better at creative problem-solving.”

You can read an article by Barbara Fredrickson on Great Good Magazine.

So, what do you have to feel glad about?

Mindfulness helps us to fully appreciate gladness. My Easy Mindfulness online course will help you to make this valuable practice part of your daily life – without lengthy meditations. Payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

16/08/2023

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