Kindfulness

Image of imperfect apple
Kindfulness
Nobody’s perfect? Don’t just say it – take it to heart with self compassion

It’s one thing to say ‘nobody’s perfect’ as many of us say from time to time. But in a world in which – in my view – perfectionism makes people feel bad about themselves because they cannot live up perfectly to its demands (nobody can) we need to take the statement seriously.

Self compassion would ask this: if nobody in the house, the country or on the planet is perfect then why should you beat yourself up because you’re not perfect either?

No perfect people

None of the beautiful things we see around us was made by perfect people. Yet these things are beautiful although they undoubtedly contain flaws.

How many beautiful, useful or fun objects or happenings have we missed out on because of perfectionism? One of its effects us to make people put off starting or finishing projects because of a fear that they cannot reach some high standard which probably wasn’t reachable in the first place.

A richer world

How much richer the world would be if the imperfect things had been completed. And it’s safe to assume that some of these would have been of a good, even high, standard – some people’s ‘good enough’ is often very good indeed. What a pity they often abandon the effort because they cannot reach the impossible standard of perfection.

So drop the demands of perfectionism, bring self compassion to bear, and aim to do things well – or in a way that is ‘good enough.’

This, I think, is well worth reflecting on and taking to heart – doing so can open the door to peace.

The practice of self compassion can help you to set perfectionism aside while still being good at what you do. It can help you to enjoy a more friendly relationship with yourself. My 15-lesson online course True Friend can help you to foster and practise self compassion. Payment is by donation. Learn more here.

See also: Changing unwanted behaviours – turn to the true friend.

Image by Isabella and Zsa Fischer

 

11/01/2023

Kindfulness
Self-compassion: Kindness towards the person you already are

​Self-compassion is becoming a key aspect of mindfulness in the West. It is also, in my opinion, one of the greatest gifts you could give yourself.

What is it?

It involves:

  • deliberately treating yourself, with your mixture of faults and virtues, with kindness and understanding and
  • accepting that you share your painful experiences and your failings with many millions of others.
  • And it is underpinned by the practice of mindfulness.

Here is how one the major researchers on self-compassion, Dr Kristin Neff describes it:

“Self-compassion, therefore, involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, and generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness,” she writes in her contribution to the book Mindfulness in Positive Psychology.

“Self-compassion also involves offering nonjudgmental understanding to one’s pain, inadequacies, and failures, so that one’s experience is seen as part of the larger human experience.”

More benefits

Some more points from that chapter:

  • Self-compassionate people ruminate less. In other words they are less likely to keep repeating and repeating negative thoughts to themselves.
  • People who are compassionate towards themselves have lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress.
  • Self-compassionate people feel less negative about the past even though they are more likely to take personal responsibility for what has gone wrong in the past.
  • When self-compassionate people fail, they are more likely try again. This might be because they know that if they fail again they won’t subject themselves to fierce criticism.
  • Self-compassionate people are more likely to stick to their diets, to exercise  and to succeed in reducing alcohol use. Why this should be is not entirely clear but it may be that a self-compassionate motivation is more helpful than a self-critical one.

(The book is Mindfulness in Positive Psychology: The Science of Meditation and Wellbeing edited by Itai Ivtzan and Tim Lomasmeans)

If you believe you would benefit from greater self compassion my online course True Friend (payment by donation) can make the difference.

Resources for self compassion list.

05/01/2023

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Know your purpose, know your feelings, do what needs to be done

Know your purpose, know your feelings, do what needs to be done.

An anti-anxiety therapy

In that formula, a Japanese psychiatrist, Dr. Shoma Morita, summed up his anti-anxiety therapy a century ago. It’s a very simple formula, but many people have found it very useful. It’s about being guided by your purposes while being informed by your feelings.

The steps

So, you work out what is your purpose for the next hour, for today, for this year or this week, and then acknowledge your feelings about that. Feelings need to be acknowledged, so acknowledge the feelings. See if they have anything useful to tell you. Maybe they have, maybe they haven’t. And having done that, then do what you need to do next, to bring about your purpose.

It’s simple – try it

So that’s the formula that’s been used by millions of people over the past century. It’s very simple and I suggest you try it a few times today. Know your purpose, know your feelings, do what needs to be done.

My Easy Mindfulness course can help you to live in a more purposeful way through the practice of mindfulness.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

Page image from Alevision on Unsplash

22/12/2022

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Try positive version thinking

When you can think positively about things, this tends to increase your sense of well being and happiness. But sometimes it’s hard to do that. Maybe many aspects of a day are not so positive.

What’s a positive version?

One approach you could try is what I would call positive version thinking. Here you say, well, the day looks pretty negative and I don’t see how I can feel at all positive about it. But maybe there is a positive version of today as well. Perhaps it will also include things that can make feel good, a favourite activity or talking to a favourite person for instance.

So that’s a positive version of today, and I can allow that into my awareness also. You don’t have to convince yourself that this is a really wonderful, fantastic day, but you are allowing yourself to see also the positive version of it.

Relationships too

And that can be true of relationships also – so-and-so is really annoying me at the moment but there are also lots of good things about him or her that I can include in my awareness, my judgment, my attitude.

Try it, especially when you are feeling down and/or grumpy.

Ask, what’s positive in the day that I can bring in alongside the negative?

Video edited from my one hour presentation on happiness in December 2021.

My True Friend course can help you to build compassion for yourself – to be a friend to yourself whatever happens.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

My book Acceptance – create change and move forward will be published in March 2023 and can be pre-ordered here.

07/12/2022

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Drop self-attacking language

 

Watch out for the use of attack language where you’re attacking yourself, calling yourself a ‘failure’ or ‘stupid’ or anything of that sort.

It’s the very opposite to self compassion – and we need to give ourselves self compassion in this often hard world.

We sometimes – maybe often – use attack language like that to ourselves when we get something wrong, something as simple as dropping a spoon!

But watch out for that kind of language because it doesn’t really do anything except make you feel worse.

I don’t talk to myself like that anymore

You could instead redirect your attention to dealing with what just happened and you might also say something to yourself like ‘I don’t talk to myself like that anymore.’

The use of this self-attacking language is something that people often do outside of awareness almost, especially if they are used to talking to themselves in that harsh way.

When you practise mindfulness you can spot that language so much more easily.  If you need to know more about mindfulness this post will help.

Self-attacking language can make people feel very down and it’s not really justified.

It doesn’t help you in your life – so remember:

I don’t talk to myself like that anymore.

Video edited from a self-compassion presentation.

My True Friend course can help you to build compassion for yourself – to be a friend to yourself whatever happens.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

My book Acceptance – create change and move forward will be published in March 2023 and can be pre-ordered here.

30/11/2022

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Acceptance, hard to define but worth doing

Acceptance is very difficult to define.

One way of looking at it is that it means not struggling with realities that you cannot change, but saving your energy for those that you can change.

Past or future

And that could be accepting something from the past, perhaps something that will never be resolved. Or it could be something that’s coming up in the future that you’re going to have to go through anyway, that you wish you didn’t have to go through. And accepting it will make the whole experience much easier.

Good at change

Curiously, people who are good at accepting things also tends to be very good at changing things. And that’s possibly because they save their energies for those things that they can change.

Not rushing to judgment

Another way of looking at acceptance is to say that it means not rushing to judgment,  just pausing to take in the reality of the situation.

If you explore acceptance, if you give it some effort, I think you will find that it’s one of the most beneficial aspects of mindfulness.

Video edited from my Easy Mindfulness course.

My Easy Mindfulness course can help you to appreciate and practise acceptance among the many aspects of mindfulness.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

My book Acceptance – create change and move forward will be published in March 2023 and can be pre-ordered here.

24/11/2022

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
Breathing to see choices

Sometimes when we get caught up in thoughts, we can actually fail to see our choices.

That’s because we go around and around in circles, ruminating, often on things that are negative or scary from past or future. Or we build up our own stress levels ‘awfulising’ about something that’s coming up – a challenging piece of work perhaps. It then becomes so easy to see only the thoughts and not the reality of what else we could do.

Breathe mindfully

A little mindful breathing can help. I’m talking about something as simple as:

– breathing in for a count of four,
– holding your breath for a count of four,
– then breathing out for a count of four.

What it does

Just a little exercise like that can break down the chain of thought and rumination and can help you to see choices that were always there – but which you just didn’t see because you were lost in the tunnel of rumination.

Breathing in awareness can get you out of that tunnel.

 

My Easy Mindfulness course can help you spot rumination and to get yourself out of that tunnel.  It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

 

17/11/2022

Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness  ·  Mindfulness Courses
The flawed person got it done!

We all have flaws and despite our efforts to get rid of them we usually go on having flaws. They’re not always the same flaws though often they are.

Credit for what worked

But we’ve also had successes in our lives and we need to remember that these were also brought about by a person with flaws. If you’re wondering who that person is, look in the mirror.

A defence system

In many respects you could think of yourself as a defence system, always looking out for what might go wrong. But when all we can see are the imperfect things about ourselves, we are not seeing the complete picture.

We need to give ourselves the credit also for what worked and for what we, flawed as we are, brought about.

My True Friend self compassion course can help us to stop being unfair to ourselves. It’s an  online course and payment is by donation so it’s affordable to all. Learn more

09/11/2022

At work mindfulness  ·  Kindfulness  ·  Mindfulness
Burnout – how mindful self-compassion can help

Burnout is usually associated with work. When you arrive at burnout

  • you no longer derive pleasure from your work,
  • you can become rather cynical about its value, and about the workplace
  • and what you see as the lack of support.
  • You also become negative about your own abilities
  • and you can dread going back into the situation each day.

Some workplaces are toxic environments which people need to get out of as soon as they find an alternative.

What we’re concerned with here is that stress we can reduce significantly ourselves with the practices of mindfulness and self-compassion.

Perfectionism

What are some personal sources of stress and burnout?

One is perfectionism. As Kristin Neff has pointed out, research shows that perfectionists are at a higher risk of psychological problems, including depression, anxiety and eating disorders.

An approach based on self-compassion would drop the perfectionist demand instead of striving endlessly to achieve the impossible.

Attachments

Your attachments can also be a source of stress and burnout. For instance, suppose you are attached to an image of yourself as a person who can endure whatever life throws at them. If you cling tightly to that image, you are likely to remain in situations (unending workplace bullying for instance) that you would be wiser to get out of – and self-compassion can help you to see that.

But when you are stressed out, that’s very hard to see. Stress induces a sort of tunnel vision that narrows your options.

Mindfulness can help you to pull back from that swirl of thoughts and feelings and to see more clearly.

Saying ‘no’

Self-compassion allows you to say ‘no’ to loading more and more onto your shoulders. Greg McKeown, in his book Essentialism, points out the obvious but often unappreciated fact that we don’t have to meet every request life throws at us.

He also points out the less obvious fact that creating some space in your life can require turning down good opportunities as well as bad.

“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter,” he writes

Inevitable stress

Some stress is inevitable. For instance, if you’re a parent of a child with demanding disabilities and you’re also trying to hold down a job, you probably have a higher degree of stress in your life than many other people. In this situation, self-compassion and mindfulness can be a huge support. Mindfulness can help to calm down your own emotional system as you address your many challenges. And self-compassion can give you that kindness and support that you need and that you may or may not get from others.

Finally …

Remember the fundamental principle: whatever is going on in your life, offer yourself self-compassion. That is always in your power to do.

This article is a shortened version of a lesson in my True Friend self-compassion online course which is available on demand.

More resources for self compassion

Image by Yuris Alhumaydy

15/09/2022

Much loved doll
Kindfulness
Treat yourself like a friend, not an enemy

The practice of mindfulness tends to increase our level of compassion. But we still fall into the trap of being compassionate towards others while being unfairly harsh on ourselves.

We can greatly improve our experience of life through the practice of self compassion which means treating ourselves as we would treat a friend with our faults and our virtues.

A space in which to choose

Mindfulness practice gives us the opportunity to pause when we realise we are attacking ourselves harshly. Then we have a space in which to choose to treat ourselves with kindness, acknowledging our mistakes if necessary but doing so in a friendly way. 

In other words that pause can enable you to treat yourself like a friend and not like an enemy.

This Daily Bell might also help:

The person towards whom you need to be self-compassionate is the person you are right now. If you wait until you achieve perfection, you may be waiting for a long time! In any case, the perfect person doesn’t need your compassion – it’s the imperfect person you are right now who needs it.

Try: Use the affirmation ‘Today is my day for self compassion’ at least three times today.

My 15 lessons online course, True Friend, can help you to build a habit of self compassion.

Page image by Volha Milovich on Unsplash

07/06/2022

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